We all have a store of phrases that we rattle off automatically; they are part of our daily conversations . But when we constantly insert these phrases into our writing, they become almost invisible weights, dragging crisp, clean sentences into sluggish swamps. Today, I’ll address a few of those phrases, just to raise your awareness. The next paragraph is part of this article, but I’ve used it to show examples of burdensome phrases, which I’ve italicized in the unedited version and then changed.

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Edited:

Most line editing follows well-established rules that govern grammar, proper word usage, sentence structure, etc. But sometimes, editors have to choose whether to delete nonessential words or phrases that might otherwise be grammatically correct. The deletion shouldn’t be done indiscriminately: the editor needs to consider the author’s style, the mood of the scene, and the "singing" of the sentence, for example. But most of the material I’ve encountered—and I include my own writing—tends toward overuse and repetition of unnecessary phrases.

Unedited:
Most line editing can be based on well-established rules; for instance, those that govern grammar, proper word usage, sentence structure, etc. Other editing becomes somewhat subjective. That is, editors have to make their own judgments about the use or abuse of the specific words or phrases used in the current text being edited, even though the words or phrases might be couched in perfect grammar. The deletion shouldn’t be done indiscriminately: the author’s style, the mood of the scene, and the "singing" of the sentence, for example, need to be considered. Most of the material I’ve encountered—and I include my own writing—tends toward overuse and repetition of phrases, many of which are entirely unnecessary.

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The unedited version uses 33 extraneous words. That might not matter to you if you’re writing a folksy article for the local newspaper. (Not that "folksy" means throwing in useless words. Every word in every work should count.) But if you’re writing an article or story that needs to get past a knowledgeable editor before being published, strong editing increases your chance of success.

Here are a few wordy phrases:

1. about the fact that (Ed. note: Anytime you use "fact," consider the possibility of deletion.)

Example: She worried about the fact that Jan hadn’t called.
Better: She worried that Jan hadn’t called.

2. return back (Ed. note: "re" means "back." Don’t refer back, retrieve back, recall back, etc.)

Example: He returned the book back to the library.
Better. He returned the book to the library.

3. in the capacity of

Example: She’s here in the capacity of a witness.
Better: She’s here as a witness.

4. according to plan

Example: If the move goes according to plan, we’ll be there tomorrow.
Better: If the move goes as planned, we’ll be there tomorrow.

5. indicate that

Example: She indicated that she would be late.
Better: She said she would be late.

6. degree to which

Example: No one knew the degree to which she cared.
Better: No one knew how much she cared.

7. purpose of

Example: The purpose of the lottery was to raise money.
Better: The lottery was to raise money.

8. up until this moment

Example: Up until this moment, he believed the weatherman.
Better: Until now, he believed the weatherman.

9. come as a disappointment to

Example: This may come as a disappointment to you, but she's not here.
Better: This may disappoint you, but she’s not here.

10. the region of

Example: They live in the region of Manitoba.
Better: They live in Manitoba.

Not all, but many needless phrases contain prepositions: about, at, for, of, on, to, up, upon, etc. When you’re revising, it can help to get a full list of prepositions (available on the net) and search for each one. Then check to see which phrases could be shortened or deleted.

For those who are serious students of editing, try The Dictionary of Concise Writing, 10,000 Alternatives to Wordy Phrases, by Robert Hartwell Fiske. But just being aware of a tendency to overuse prepositional phrases will be a huge help.

—Nann Dunne
From Nann Dunne's Fiction-Editing Handbook (a work in progress).